I just threw up on my dentist
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
