I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
