pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
