Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
