Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
