i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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