WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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