I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
