You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
