I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
