I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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