If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish you could order shots online.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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