So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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