She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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