Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
