woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
