a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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