I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
