The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize