She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
