I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
