tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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