During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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