You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
