We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
