false alarm. still invincible.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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