Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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