Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
