dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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