I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
