things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize