those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You pole danced in your parka.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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