The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
