Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize