tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
whose parrot is this?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
