Why does Corona taste like a burp?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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