I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
