im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
