I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
