Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
