my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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