i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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