Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
