She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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