I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
