Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
