Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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