Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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