im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
