Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
third nipple confirmed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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