sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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