this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
