i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
