Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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