The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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