Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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