My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
