Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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