I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize