Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I love having hate sex.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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